Why You Should Compare Yourself To Others

Why You Should Compare Yourself To Others
Why You Should Compare Yourself To Others

The case for not comparing yourself to others has been taken too far. It’s common sense now, reiterated over and over again, that to be a healthy individual, we shouldn’t compare ourselves to others. One quick search and I came across the following articles from major blogs:

Via Mind Body Green – it’s not good because we don’t have accurate information

But people don’t put their tear explosions on Instagram — not because they’re trying to hide something (although of course that happens sometimes) — but because it’s human nature to want to put your best foot forward.

Via Becoming Minimalist – it’s just bad for you

Indeed, the negative effects of comparisons are wide and far-reaching. Likely, you have experienced (or are experiencing) many of them first-hand in your life as well.

Via Tiny Buddha – it’s just bad for you

The thing about comparison is that there is never a win. How often do we compare ourselves with someone less fortunate than us and consider ourselves blessed? More often, we compare ourselves with someone who we perceive as being, having, or doing more.

Via Zen Habits – it’s just bad for you

… the comparisons led to feeling really bad about ourselves or others. This is heartbreaking, because we are good people, and so are they.

Via The Positivity Blog – it’s just bad for you

One of the most common and destructive daily habit is to constantly compare your life and yourself to other people and their lives.

Via the Huffington Post – you can’t win

If comparing is how you evaluate your worth, you will always be losing.

The Case for Comparison

It’s clear that new-age self-help experts advocate for the complete cessation of comparison between you and others. But before making any value judgments on the futility of comparison, shouldn’t we ask why we’re comparing ourselves to other people in the first place?

One thing we know is that we all do it. The desire (or automatic response) to compare ourselves to others is something inherent in our psyche. Comparing ourselves to others is as human as is getting angry or sad. Therefore, since we have it, it must serve some purpose, and we should be able to derive some tangible benefit from its use.

So, why do we have the natural urge to compare ourselves to others?

Via The NY Times

“Comparison is rife with danger, but it’s understandable why we do it,” said Heidi Grant Halvorson, a social psychologist. “We’re human beings and we naturally seek information.”

The simple answer is just that. We need to navigate ourselves in this world, and through comparison, we’re able to identify where we aren’t doing well. In short, through comparison, we’re able to learn.

When I was growing up I used to play basketball. And many statistics used to be recorded during games. Shots attempted, shots made, assists, steals, turnovers, etc. After each game, all the players could see everybody’s stats and compare them. We could also see our stats from the previous games, so we could compare our performance over time and in relation to our teammates.

Now, you could say that each player’s statistics should have remained private, to avoid embarrassing anybody. And you could also say that it’s only necessary for a player to see his own stats in order to improve. Why not just compare your latest performance against your previous performance and be done with it? Go for your own personal record (PR) and forget about everyone else!

But any high-performance athlete would tell you otherwise. They want to see how their peers are performing.

There’s only so much you can do alone. If you only compared yourself to your past performances you could see improvement over time, and you may feel great about yourself. But, if you wanted to see dramatic improvement, then you would want to know exactly what that other guy was doing when he scored twice as many points as you. Maybe he has better technique. Maybe he’s taking shots closer to the basket. Maybe he’s in better physical shape. You want to know what’s working for him so you can do the same.

This is why we hire coaches and consultants. These people are hired to be experts, to understand what’s working, and guide us towards success. It’s their job to compare the winners vs the losers in the field, and we pay them to teach us to be successful. Nobody is going to hire a coach that hasn’t studied the differences between successful people and unsuccessful people.

A comparison is a learning tool.

A second example. Say I observe in the world and believe that some guy is much better than I am when it comes to maintaining friendships. I see him with lots of friends, and his phone is always ringing. What’s he doing that I’m not in order to be so socially adept? If I compare his actions to mine I’ll probably pick up a few behaviors that would help me in my own relationships. Need Relationship Advice? Yes! Visit Hackrelation.com

There’s a reason why successful people are successful, and if you never take the time to learn the tricks of the trade then you’re doing yourself a disservice. You’re cutting your potential short.

Poor Self-Esteem + Comparison = Depression Death Spiral

There’s a reason why there’s a cult around not comparing yourself to others. It’s because we can’t handle it. Our self-esteem is too low.

We’re too insecure with ourselves. We don’t hold ourselves in high enough regard to be okay with someone else being better. We can’t celebrate someone else’s success without feeling bad about ourselves. We can’t confront ourselves, that the reason we are unhappy, lonely, or unfulfilled is that we made mistakes, or weren’t willing to take the necessary risk. We don’t respect ourselves to believe that we too can also do what that other person has done.

When we don’t compare ourselves to others, we give ourselves an easy way out. Just “be the best version of yourself.” Don’t try to reach beyond yourself. Don’t push yourself. Don’t set yourself up for the possibility that you may not make it.

If we don’t look to others, and say to ourselves, “I want that too,” then we’ll never be disappointed. And then the cycle repeats itself, because later on when I see others doing what I want to do, I just comfort myself though my internal voice – “it’s not good to compare yourself to others.”

However, if you’re the type of person to hold yourself in high regard, the type of person who believes that you can learn what others have learned before, then you will actively look for those who can teach you, and teachers should be by definition better than you.

The issue of not comparing yourself to others is deeply problematic because it’s rooted in our self-esteem. We’re hypersensitive to those things that we think define us. Today, those things are primarily material. Net worth, external success through business or professional accolades, or some concept of beauty.

The common thing among these hot topic issues, where we don’t like to compare ourselves to others, always comes back to self-identification. When you believe that your value as a person is defined by anything external to you, that’s where you run into trouble. And the only reason you equate anything external to your value as a person is that you lack proper self-esteem.

If we cannot separate the results we’ve achieved in our lives thus far, with the inherent human value we ascribe to ourselves, then we cannot compare ourselves to others. Why? Because there’s always someone better than us at everything. But for the learner, and the person who has the courage to grow, this is a beautiful thing, because it means that there’s always room to grow and improve.

If we have drivers to do certain things in our lives, then we need to celebrate the fact that we have the ability to continually get better, further our expertise, and move closer and closer to mastery.

But we can’t ever get there if we don’t know where to start. And we know where to start when we compare ourselves to others.

Managing How We Compare Ourselves to Others

We need to distinguish between healthy ways to compare ourselves to others and unhealthy ways to compare ourselves to others.

We can’t simply say it’s always bad.

And we certainly know that it’s not always good.

But in order to use comparison in a way that’s helpful for our own self-development, a few issues need to be worked out.

The Problem of Objectivity

We are not objective. Ever.

In the second example from above, when I mentioned that some guy was better than I was with friendships, I wrote that “I believed” he was better. But, there’s no way for me to ever really know this. I’m just working off of my observations and a limited sample of his behavior. Additionally, my insecurities and personal issues are at play here too, which are certainly weighing on my judgment of the situation.

Therefore to stay anything with certainty, that it’s the truth, when we’re comparing ourselves to others, is almost ridiculous.

The truth is we’ll never know the full story of anyone or of any situation, and this is the primary reason we’re instructed not to compare ourselves to others – because we really don’t know what we need to know in order to make a real assessment of the situation.

This leads to…

The Problem of Judgement

Since we never know the true reality of a situation or of a person, yet we are programmed to be making judgments constantly, we’re making judgments with inaccurate or incomplete information. But, we can’t help this, since it’s in our nature to judge things so we can navigate the world.

When we judge someone else or we judge ourselves, we’re ascribing value to a person. And this is where you can kill yourself – or turn into a jerk.

But, wait: who are you to judge?

What makes you so special to know the truth about anyone, including yourself? You don’t. None of us know the entire truth about anybody’s particular situation. So we must keep in mind that our judgments are misleading. This is another reason to not compare yourself to others.

The key here is to have some real humility.

The Problem of Identification

You are a biased person, making snap judgments about a situation you don’t fully understand while fitting it all into a societal framework you may or may not fully agree with.

Worst of all – you take this information and personally identify with it.

So when you combine these problems – identifying with false or incomplete information, it can be soul-crushing.

How to Compare Yourself to Others

So, what’s a healthy way to do it? I’m not 100% sure. And comparing yourself to others certainly is dangerous. You can easily fall into the poor self-esteem depression death spiral. But there’s also so much to gain in terms of personal growth if you’re able to compare yourself to others in a healthy way. So I think it’s worth working on.

Maybe the list below will provide a good place to start in order to compare yourself to others in a beneficial way.

1) What do you want? Who do you want to be?

2) Again, what do you want? Who do you really want to be?

These are your values. This is what’s important to you. Forget about the rest of the world.

3) Who’s done what you want to do?

4) What’s the difference between where they are and where you are? Right now.

5) Do not make a value judgment on your current life position, or their current life position. It is what it is.

6) Do not identify with the results you’ve had so far. It has nothing to do with your self-worth as a person.

7) Now, close the gap in #4.

If you approach the way you compare yourself to others like this it will:

  1. Increase your sense of self, because you’re learning, improving, and making progress
  2. Help you accomplish your goals, because it’s not about you. It’s about your growth.

We all need help in order to accomplish the things we want to do. Learning from others who are better than we put us on the fast track to where we want to go.

4 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend Before You Get Serious

4 Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend Before You Get Serious

What exactly is a significant connection?

If there’s this kind of thing as a significant connection, then there needs to be its opposite: an un-serious connection.

It’s a relationship that has a shaky basis. At least one person in the connection thinks of it as insignificant.

The difficult part is that maybe not everybody agrees on what significantly signifies. That’s the case for me personally. But that isn’t what some people mean when they talk about getting significant, is it?

For several people, a significant connection is all-encompassing: It’s intimate, psychological and sexual. However, if the relationship is purely physical, it’s not just a relationship in any way. Which, again, is humorous, because even a sexual connection has physical and psychological outcomes. (OK, maybe funny is not the most useful phrase.)

From what I’ve seen, everyone’s goal appears to be to locate a spouse and stamp the connection with the Seal of Seriousness. Everyone’s hustling.

But how does one know if the person you’re dating is the best person for your serious relationship? Well, there are several questions to ask your boyfriend to decide whether that person is the serious one.

Obviously, no Thing is definite, but it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t nevertheless try for the winning horse.
Questions To Ask Your Boyfriend

1. Where do you see this heading?

In case your relationship is at the point of acquiring serious, it’s best to know how significant.

If you’re a man, don t request him if he plans to put a ring on it. Figure out if he actually desires things to get more serious. If you’re dropping hints and he’s responding positively,  he may just be trying not to damage your feelings. I’m not stating this is always the case, but nevertheless, it might be.

In any event, it is great to know where your boyfriend stands and where he hopes points may eventually lead. And if that’s not something he’s open to discussing, you’ve your solution.

2. What’s your 10-yr plan?

Or, if that’s also huge, Whats your five-yr strategy?

You don’t even need to be asking about the relationship. This can be all about finding out more about your boyfriend‘s targets. Does the program on remaining where he is or relocating sometime in the following five years? Sure, issues do not always pan out, but it’s great to know what your man’s targets are and whether they align with yours.

You need to determine this thing out in the beginning in the connection. Just since you want to get seriously doesn’t mean you should.

3. How much can you care about me?

Hopefully, you already know the solution to this one. To be honest, it is an issue that I D advise you ask indirectly. Why? Because when you ask your boyfriend this, he may tell you everything you want to hear which may perhaps not be the same thing as the reality.

That’ll tell you more than any query ever could.

If he treats you poorly, then he really doesn’t care for you. Even if he says he treats you well, evidence is right in the front of you. At the extremely least, he doesnt treat you well enough. But if he treats you with respect and gentleness, then you certainly know that his feelings are sincere.

4. Are you really ready to get serious?

If he isn’t ready to to stay a serious relationship, then things wont work out. End of story. Can be your man truly mature enough to to stay such a relationship?

And don t just depend on what he claims. Again, this is still another instance where actions speak louder than words.

For the peace of thoughts, you are able to ask him straight sometimes being immediate is the approach to go but Im betting you already know the solution.

How to Stop Liking Someone You Know You Can Never Have

Understanding how to stop liking someone you can’t have may be genuine, very hard to deal with in life, but there are techniques to push through the discomfort.

We’ve all had that someone special in our lives that we were-were not able to have. Whether fifty or fifteen when you fell in love together, you know the discomfort of being denied their love.

It is painful to endure for almost any number of reasons. They don’t even know you exist, they love someone else, or another reason that no amount of wishing and hoping remedies.

I’ve experienced this reality. Although this hurt immensely, I just couldn’t go on anymore seeking to win the person who I was in love with.

The best way to stop liking somebody who doesn’t like me?

Before totally getting over this person, I went through several hardships. He was unavailable in manners I just couldn’t the workaround. He either had a girlfriend, lived far away from college, didn’t believe me that way, or had another cause that prevented us from actually getting together. I wish I had known a few things sooner. You learn and live as they say![How To Tell If A Girl Likes You]

It took time, but with all of the realizations I’ve outlined below, I was able to maneuver on and be pleased on my own. And also you are able to too!

#1 Realize they’re unavailable. You need to DEPART THEM ALONE in the event you like someone already in a different relationship. I cannot stress this enough. It’s possibly the easiest way to handle loving them.

Even though it may hurt that they’re with somebody else, if they’re happy in a connection, then it will be a lot easier for you to steer clear. You do NOT want to be known as the individual who broke up a happy couple.

If you really love the person and they’re taken, just be happy for them. If they’re happy with their existence and relationship, then want what’s most readily useful for them.

 

#2 Understand you may maybe not be a good match anyway. Ok, which means this individual is liked by you, right? Nevertheless, you might not be the best fit for each other. Think long and tough about who they are as a person, what their life targets are, and should you see yourself really matching them.

There’s more to being with someone you love than having extreme feelings for them. Realizing that the two of you possibly wouldn’t make the greatest pair helps you offer together with the truth that you can’t be together.

 

#3 Date other individuals. Nothing keeps your thoughts off someone you care seriously about more than seeing other people! You never know who you’ll locate in the event that you put yourself out there. Biding your time, in the hopes this person wants to be with you also, is a powerful way to the method to skip an opportunity that is better.

As the saying goes, you can find lots of fish in the sea’so get fishing!

 

#4 Stay hectic! Want to neglect about that special someone you’re mega-crushing on? Go skydiving! Go run a marathon! Do something that requires your mind from them and also the truth that you can’t have them.

While you’re out-living your own existence, you could even bump into somebody who’s better than the individual you presently like. Staying busy retains your thoughts happy and goes away from your misery of wanting someone who doesn’t want you.[How To Forget Someone]

 

#5 Prevent them. This can be likely to be the toughest factor to do if you’re in love with someone. Stay away. Just do it! Don’t accidentally bump into them in the grocery shop, as it’ll give you the chance to chat with them and fall even deeper in love.

Seeing them mo-Re often makes you feel worse and makes your feelings stronger. It also offers you time to acknowledge this truth and hopefully shift on to better things.

The starting, absence makes the heart increase founder, isn’t necessarily true when it comes to someone that you’re maybe not currently with. Distance will do you some good. Trust me.

 

#6 Do you really love them? I mean, honestly? Think hard about any of it. Some might argue you don’t have to know everything about a person to stay love together. But I argue.

You don’t know all their little quirks and habits. Some reasons for having them might actually drive you nuts. You don’t know. That which you know so far is you’re drawn to them and that you like how they seem to behave.

 

#7 Your anticipations may be unrealistic. So, let’s say the person you like understands the way you feel. Well, that’s demonstrably not enough to make them want to be with you. Telling someone how you sense won’t miraculously make them sense the same way when you anticipate the individual you adore to reciprocate your emotions, you’ve set your anticipations too high.

After all, they have the free will.

Expecting a miracle at this point will only leave you disappointed.

 

#8 Accept your situation. Ah! There it is the ultimate phase of it all. To totally offer together with the actuality of you not being capable of getting you need to accept it. Yes, it truly does suck. Yes, it’d be SO significantly better in the event you could just be with them.

And the sooner you acknowledge and understand this, the quicker you’re able to move on and be happy together with your life. If there’s nothing you’ll be able to do about the circumstance, just ignore it and appreciate the things in life you do have the luxury of possessing.

There might be several different reasons the pesky universe is maintaining you from your one you like, but remember there are several methods you’re able to deal with it and be happy!

How To Start A Conversation With A Girl Online

How To Start A Conversation With A Girl Online

In today’s day and age, I could totally understand should you if you wish to know how to start a dialogue on the web. We are surrounded by online dating websites and weird but extremely effective dating applications. Several years ago you had been frowned at when you said that you met your girlfriend on an online dating site. This is the most typical thing in the world, today.

Today folks are somewhat shocked when you tell them that your girlfriend was met by you with no help of modern technology. There are millions of attractive single women who hope to find their knight in shining armor on one of several online dating websites.

The only issue is the high number of ladies who are seeking for the right partner attracts an even greater number of men who dream about being that ideal partner. The competition doesn’t sleep as well as the more men are hoping to get a date using a lady, the more essential it gets to set yourself apart from your other guys.

How To Start A Conversation With A Girl Online

Because I needed to know just how many messages a hot woman gets on an online dating profile I lately produced the test and set up a fa-Ke profile using a sexy picture of a half-bare woman. Over a dozen messages were received by me in the first handful of minutes.

This experiment will show you what I mean. You’re definitely perhaps not the only one who wants her but with the following suggestions, you are the one who gets her.

Step 1: The Best Subject Line

How To Start A Conversation With A Girl Online? Okay, it generally starts with adding an expert picture setting up your account and creating some fascinating things about yourself, but I simply presume that you’ve got already completed that.

What’s next? You seem you compose her and for a woman, you happen to be attracted to. Saying the proper things to her is essential but there is one factor that she’s going to see before she reads your concept. The first thing when you send her a message on an online dating site, a girl sees is the subject line. Ignoring this small detail would be a massive mistake.
Come on, you are able to be more innovative than all the other guys who create a dull hey, how are you or hello beautiful in the subject line.

Even though the subsequent subject lines sound completely absurd they actually worked having a great achievement rate when I used them:

10 Factors Why You Must Open this Message

You’re beautiful but are you so shy?

Step 2: Neglect Regarding the Standard Message

What do most guys write in their first concept they send to some girl online? Plenty of them uses the same message for each girl they write to. The message they tend to use looks like this:

You’re really beautiful and that I just desired to say hi.

Do yourself a favor and overlook about the common message. If you don’t personalize your message a T least a tiny bit she’s going to instantly know that you just play the numbers game and that you write the same thing to every girl.

This is like hoping that it sticks and throwing a tomato. It doesn’t work like this. Oh, and make certain that you don’t end up composing the things like these guys.

Step 3: Give Her an Individual Compliment

Now that you know that you shouldn’t write the same message to every girl, it’s time to time to have a glance at that which you’re able to actually write to make her heart thump. Giving a lady an honest compliment is great but on the internet, you have to be more c-Reative than in real life.

A girl who you approach using a direct compliment on the street will soon be flattered and excited when you inform her that she appears stunning because not quite no guy h AS the ballsto approach her. In the internet, things are a tiny bit various. How To Tell If A Girl Likes You. Men are a lot less frightened of writing to ladies than they are of speaking with them in real life. As a consequence of that, the common woman on an on the web dating site gets plenty of compliments.

Women that are actively searching for a partner online have noticed these lines a million times.

Look at her profile photo and give her a compliment that one can only give her and perhaps not to any other woman. In case she’s blond hair, blue eyes, a red-top and also a helpful smile you can use all those elements to style your perfect compliment. A compliment that you can’t simply give every woman will make her sense special and when a man makes her sense special he deserves to get a reply.

Step 4: Use the Info She Offers You

Telling a girl why you’re attracted to her looks is great but you have to be one of the few guys who inform her that her hobbies and her persona are also nothing to sneeze at in the event you want to generate her feel really special.

Take your time and examine her profile. In case you have never done you will be amazed at how much women reveal about themselves in an online relationship account. Make utilization of the info you are given by her.

If she states that she traveled to six nations in the last yr, you’d be stupid if you wouldn’t tell her that you like the truth that she is properly-travelled and that it’s amazing that she is courageous enough to vacation all over the world.

Step 5: Give Her a Cause to Reply

Now she knows why she is written by you. You clarified that you are not only attracted to her stunning smile but in addition to the reality that she is a fascinating individual. It really is definitely nice to know that you like the fact that she is well-travelled but does she have any proof that you do not just say that?

Should you only tell her that you like the fact that she’s properly-travelled without linking this attribute to yourself, she can easily get the impact that you just say it to impress her. Exactly why you love this reality about her, tell her and reveal experiences and your own passions with her.

After you inform a well-travelled girl that you traveled through South America and that you dream of embarking on an on a holiday all over Europe, she will know that you will possess a great deal to discuss about when you satisfy each other in person and that finding yourself in a connection along with you’ll be anything but boring.

Do Pick Up Lines Work?

They’re the stuff of books, TV shows, comedy routines, and films. Many people love them and others loathe them. Guys scour the internet to find the ones that are best even though girls consistently say they are hated by them. While continuing to make use of the allegedly good ones, people make fun of the poor ones.

However, the main question is this (or at least should be): do pick up lines work? As with many things in life, the solution is simply a mixture of no and yes. First, let ’s look at the “no” side of the equation.

Pulling a girl is an activity. Granted, it’s generally a brief one since an appeal is somewhat prompt and extremely visceral. But it’s still contrary from what guys who stake their success on a line that is “ ” believe a procedure that lasts up to the line.

Thus, obsessing on the selection and delivery of a pickup line or spending hours coming up with great ones if a guy ignores other facets of dating and attraction, is pointless. No way.

Additionally, pickup lines are typically boring and canned. They frequently come from a publication or the internet. And, they’re frequently delivered awkwardly. This likely contributes to the hate women have picked up lines. After all, awkwardly delivered stitched lines by men that are unattractive don’t just get girls turned on.

Also, when inquiring whether pick up lines work, it’s important to say they are regularly utilized in settings like clubs or pubs where girls already are highly safeguarded. They know they have their defenses prepared and the pickup lines are coming. So, those lines either need to be given perfectly and dramatic or they fail. They might fail even when they are amazing and given having a comic’s touch. That’s merely life.

Nonetheless, pick up lines can work. But, there really are a few things to take into account when delivering them.

woman drinking at a barFirst, be appealing. I know it seems kind of dumb to say, but hear me out. Studies reveal that women and men have more respect and admiration for people that are appealing and judge them less severely. In case you are a well-dressed, healthy man delivering a line, that line will probably be instantly perceived as wittier, funnier, and more efficient. So, if you’re going to use a pickup line, in minimum attempt to provide it looking, feeling, and behaving your best.

Second, it’s greatest to come up with your own personal lines and make them observational and original. So, think of something on the basis of the environmental surroundings, etc. to, the person you’re speaking You might have connection and originality building immediately in your favor. Both are high-value traits.

Third, make your pickup lines somewhat edgy and amusing. Avoid corny jokes and don’t be afraid to tease the girl. How to tell if a girl likes you. As long as you’re flirty and smiling, teasing isn’t just okay, but it is loved by women. When it comes to edginess, though, don’t be mean. Merely push the envelope a little.

Finally, quit thinking in terms of “openers.” and thinking when it comes to “pick up lines” Your goal then moves beyond one-liners built to get a phone number and becomes by getting people to laugh, have fun, and flirt about starting conversations. They ought to be a part of a broad strategy designed to really get build connection and to know someone, even if your phone number is the final target.

A good example of an observational, teasing opener could be going around a woman in a dress that is bright and saying something such as, “Hey nice attire… I think. Another model would be if a girl is reading gently at a coffee shop Could you keep it down please, I’m attempting to focus.” Say these while grinning, of course. You want them to come across as flirty and not literal.

The solution is mixed, but should you follow the advice here and throughout this website, you’ll have a higher possibility of not only going house using an amount or more but also succeeding in your opener.